Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner
Yesterday morning, I found myself praying about work as I drove the 14 mile stretch to the home where I am a nanny. I wasn’t worried about my nannying job, but I was stressing about a conference call I had later that afternoon. I was praying for help, for guidance, for peace.
I arrived at the home early, only to be told that they have decided that she is leaving her job and will be staying home full time. Basically, I was told that as of June 1, I’m out of a job.
I was shocked. The job I thought was completely safe (through August, when we’d already agreed I would leave) was gone.
My thoughts were all over the place. Trying to crunch numbers, mentally update my resume, and freak out, all at the same time. I started thinking maybe it was time to find a “real” job again, one in an office with benefits and a 401k. Not an accounting job, but something a little more traditional than what I’d been doing. I checked out Monster.com, but nearly every job posting made me feel claustrophobic. The idea of sitting in a little cubicle again brought a physical reaction, one that reminded me I’d left that world for a reason.
So I took a step back and just focused on what I could control at that moment. The work I had on hand, the conference call I had to prepare for, and taking care of the little one I was still the nanny of for a few more weeks.
By late afternoon, I’d calmed down entirely. The conference call I was so worried about went great. Friends and family were encouraging me. And since I was thinking rationally again, I realized I’ve actually been making more money from my freelance work than nannying for a few months now.
But this nannying job has been my safety net in so many ways. Financially, of course. I send invoices monthly for my freelance work, and the checks don’t always come in consistently. It was nice to have a weekly paycheck to supplement that. But this nannying job was also a way for me to downplay what I’m doing.
When people ask me what I do, I often lead with “I’m a part-time nanny and freelance writer.” I say it timidly. I slip the freelance writer part in there, sometimes so quickly you might miss it.
I made a huge leap last year when I quit my accounting job to do this. I let go of my fear and jumped off that cliff. But I think I freaked out on the way down. I grabbed a hold of that fear again, and found a nice little place on the side of that cliff to curl up in. I pretended to be fearless and free but secretly, I was terrified of failing and refusing to go back out there.
I probably would have stayed in this place for awhile, comfortable with my “day job” of nannying and freelancing on the side. I would have stayed in this place of complacency, still not really doing what I love. I would have carried on with my few clients, not having the courage to really try to get out there and write for publications. It is easier writing for a corporation – they tell me what they want me to say, and I put the words down in the right order.
What I want to do, what I’ve been afraid to do, is find someone who will pay me to use my words. I’ve been telling myself that it isn’t the right time yet, that my writing needs to improve, that I need to be more financially stable before I try that. I keep waiting for the perfect time, when I won’t be afraid of failing.
I think it is time to stop waiting. Yes, my writing still needs work. No, I’m not entirely stable financially. But if I keep waiting, I’ll never start. If I keep waiting, I may find myself in another comfortable place.
So I’m out here in the unknown again. Learning to enjoy the delicious ambiguity.
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